No More Walls

It amazes me how in certain moments when I finally start to move to where I need to be in my life, when I start to do what I need and want to do, as opposed to just letting myself sink, the moments of lowness seem so inane.

Stumble through your memories
To find your will
Yearn for a voice that knows no fear

Behind her eyes there is choice
Are you true to yourself?
Or do you just move with the herd?

Prayers lost in a sea of indifference
Rise above to know my truth.
Somewhere in a strangers eyes I found a reason
to try a little harder to be myself

So let the rain pour down
cause it's about time I found the river
All my vanity be gone
Let me drown in bliss that lies in self devotion

It's time to laugh
It's time to cry
It's time to be
what I need to be

I want to hold air in my hands,
Hold the one thing you can't buy
Nothing to win
Nothing to lose
It's time to be what I need to be

"Don't you miss the feelin' music gave you back in the day?" Prince said it right there... It's been so long since I've gotten out of my head enough to really enjoy myself. At what point did I become so egotistical that I had to be this certain way or no one would like me. That sounds so inane right now it's ridiculous. Of all the things to fear, being wrong has got to be the worst, because, how many times are you wrong in your life? Beyond that, it automatically limits your experience to being right or wrong, good or bad, and then you can't learn from them. So with this in mind, here is my most recent play-list for the week, it's full of songs that make me remember what it's like to have fun and not be so comfortable with my limitations.

1. Let's get it on --- Marvin Gaye
2. Papa's got a brand new bag --- James Brown
3. We'll all float on --- Modest Mouse
4. Hard to handle --- Otis Redding
5. Where it's at --- Beck
6. Brass monkey --- Beastie Boys
7. The big payback --- James Brown
8. Twist and shout --- The Beatles
9. Drive --- Incubus
10. Change --- Blind melon

So with these in mind and a hankering to cut loose a little, I go out to the club Sunday, and I had fun, and I think she had fun, and I realize just how far I've managed to withdraw myself into this shell and that extricating myself will be a long road. But the music was great, and I remembered what it was like to not give a shit what anyone thought, and to just let my body move, and she looked amazing, and although there wasn't a good-night kiss, although that would have made it ideal, I realize that I've had opportunities for them before and have been too chicken-shit to take them, so this is of no fault but my own. But I'm OK with that, because I did have fun, and that's what I really need to learn how to do.

just do it... maybe yoda should've said that... seems more appropriate, maybe I would carry at as a wise and prudent phrase if it had come from say Tyler Durden, Hunter Thompson, Heratio Alger, anybody that has ever written wise words. The few times that I have, it's been just like driving a car for the first time, scarry, but oh so exciting. I realize that listening to that internal gut reaction is where I really find my life, where I really begin to see my eyes opened to possibilities of who I can become... that the only limitation I have are the ones I create for myself.

OK, here it is... THE BOTTOM LINE!
 
I want you and not in a friendly kind of way. You call me, but we don't ever see each other. When you call sometimes I wonder why you even still bother because you never want to spend any time with me. I have gotten the impression in the past that you liked me. I don't know if you're afraid of getting burned again, or you just don't know how to tell me that you don't like me, or what. I can't figure out what exactly it is that you want from this. I told you in that last letter that you are the kind of person that I would actually try to work things out with, where-as before most of my relationships have just been something that happend and I was OK with whatever, but you are different, you're the kind of girl that I wouldn't have even asked out if I wasn't serious about making the effort to be with you, cause I think that you deserve that. So clarify for me please, because of all the people I've ever met you are by far the hardest to figure out so far. I don't know if you just want to be friends, or if you just don't know what you want, which I'd say is probably true of all of us. So, if you like me great... let's try actually seeing each other on occasion, I'm not asking much, just ya' know like once a week, just me and you... I'm a really simple guy to date... I just want a little bit of your extra time and a little affection and the occasional phone call and I' m good. So, whatever it is that's holding you back, please just be straight with me, if you're not interested that's fine, not ideal for me, but life's like that, I just want to know one way or the other. I'm not going to stop talking to you or stop wanting to hang out if you aren't interested, I think you're an awesome person and I'll swallow my pride to keep you as a friend if that's the case, I'm just trying to figure out where I stand here.
 
Adam

You are truly a learning experience for me. On the one hand I find myself drawn incredibly to you and on the other I find myself wanting to run like hell. For more than one reason now. When we first met I thought you were OK, but then as I spent more time around you I realized a side of you that I hadn't payed attention to before. The bottom line is... You are beautiful and the truth is that unlike most, your beauty eminates from inside, from your heart and mind, like a white rose you stand out as someone that is so much more than skin deep. Sometimes it strikes me that you are probably smarter than me and in moments I find myself intimidated by you... which I have to say is something of a shock for someone that isn't intimidated by anything. I enjoyed getting to know you, but it seems that that has stopped, I can't remember the last time I saw you outside of work. I realize and respect that it is not easy to date someone you work with. However, what really kills me is that once I started getting to know you before I ever asked you out, I realized that you were the type of person that I conciously seek, prior to now I had this very vague idea of what I wanted in a relationship and who, and through being deliberately single for a while now I have discovered more of how I want to treat someone and how I want to be treated, I guess a simple word for that is self-respect. However, just like I knew I would, out of fear of you rejecting me I tried to act like a person to which you are attracted and in so doing forgot the whole principle behind why I liked you to begin with. The thing is, I don't like clubs, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, probably because for a long time those things were all my life consisted of, and while I don't see anything wrong with them, it's just not something in which I normally choose to partake, and don't get me wrong, I had fun, but i was only there because I thought I had to be to spend time with you. What I really want is someone that sees beauty in the world. Someone that appreciates art, music, inspired words of all kinds, and from what I've witnessed, you not only see those things in a lot of the same ways I do, but you see that in people as well, you show compassion where most turn their heads in selfishness. That gives you grace and somehow in all the racing that my brain does all day long I developed the idea that I had to be someone other than myself for you to like me... and when i say it, actually put it down like that, I realize that if you don't like me for who I am and who I am trying to be for myself, then there isn't any point anyway.

In the end the fact is that I don't even really care that there is a romantic relationship between us. I just want to spend some time getting to know you, because I think you are truly an amazing soul. I'd love to hear your opinion and views on relationships, music, politics, everything... and I'd love to share mine with you, and maybe you're like me and you're not exactly sure what you think about things, because most of the time I feel like I don't know nearly enough about things to form a very good opinion, but that's the beauty of friendship, you get to discuss what grasp you do have, of whatever subject, and in so doing gain a little insight into your own humanity by really hearing about what the world looks like from behind the eyes of another. I don't know a lot, but I know truth when i see it and feel it, and I saw it when I finally worked up the nerve to look in your eyes, and I felt it when we have talked... the thing is that I'm tired of trying to be this person that impresses everyone and I have been for so long, and I'm not even good at it anymore, I've been trying lately to impress myself and that's the most fulfilling thing I've yet done, even if I am my worst critic. I want to be real with you Meghan, and I want you to be real with me, like I said... I'm not looking for a "what does it all mean/head over heals/drama/bs" thing. I just want to be your friend, but I can't really tell where I stand with you, You call, but it never seems to work out when I ask you to spend time with me... and I don't think it's deliberate, and I know we are both pretty busy, I just want to be straight and open with you and hope that you are the same with me, hope that I have earned a little bit of your trust. I hope that this doesn't come off as, well, I hope that you take this for what it is... actually sort of an apology for not having the balls to really be myself around you... I've got a lot to learn. but like you said no expereince is bad, you just learn from your mistakes and I think that that is one of the truest things I've ever heard... anyway, I probably won't even tell you I wrote this, but if I do well... I am grateful every day for what I have learned and for the opportunity to keep learning... and I am eternally grateful to all those who have had the patience to teach me, whether they knew they were or not.

Adam

So I had what I thought was this really cool post on here yesterday, and apparently it didn't publish, which sucks. So today, I have to figure out where I'm moving... I have a couple of apartments I've looked at, but nothing I'm crazy about. I have however, begun to realize that all these negative emotions I've been experiencing over the last few weeks have been a product of my lack of will and honesty... Integrity is the key... I have to get it and keep it.

"I'm so tired, I'm so tired of tryin'..." This song has been stuck in my my head for several months now. "Flake" it speaks to my integrity, or lack there-of. I realize that my lack of action towards what I want to become and who... my lack of doing what I say I will... of being honest creates this fear in me that locks me up. It causes me to invent this false image of myself that i think they want to see... and it makes me feel like shit. I don't want to play a game any more, I don't want to try to be someone I'm not, it's hard enough to try to be me, to try to make the outside match the inside. I know that I am making a better life for myself, I know that there is so much more for me to explore, and I know that I want to share that with someone, well, with a lot of people, I want relationships that are based off who I'm trying to become and not my pretense. I have to learn to open myself more to possibility... I have to realease this fear and trust in myself... ask myself what I honestly want in each moment... and act on it. completely free of what I think others might think, because 99% of the time, they couldn't possibly care less. I need to figure out more about how to satisfy myself. No one likes to be let down... but we all love the sun-rise. I've got to cut my ties to my past limitations, I've got to realize that the rising of the sun is only the start... that the effort I've exhibited to date has been only the tip of the iceberg... I could unleash a will that could change all that i touch... I have the potential for greatness... but I have to be the one to put in the work to unlock it. It'll be hard, but it will most definitely be worth it.